And there appeared before the gate to heaven a God fearing soul of deep faith, who had met his fate at the hands of a lynch mob, as often happened to such persons.
The Lord after reviewing the facts of the case decided there were no alternative facts and delegated the handling of this case to his emissary, St. Peter. However, St. Peter, desirous of keeping his sainthood, pleaded with the Lord that he might not be compelled to pass judgment on this woeful person, a certain Donald the Very Great, or as the French would have it Donlemagne or for the Persians, Le Roi des Rois. The Lord, however, could not absolve St. Peter of this sacred duty unless, of course, St. Peter agreed to to reverse roles with Donlemagne.
Thereupon St. Peter conducted the prescribed review of the heavenly candidate. The interview went roughly as follows (with emphasis on roughly):
St. Peter: Describe to me, if ye willeth, what great deeds thou hath accomplished while inhabiting the earth beneath.
Donlemagne: I have glorified women, especially their private parts, and have taken three of them to be my wife and many more to bed. I have tolerated no fools. I have subjected those opposed to my wishes to the fury of my pit-bull. I have kept no wealth for myself. Therefore I could pay no bills (no bull) and instead borrowed extensively from my vendors, lawyers, shylock money lenders, and prospective investors, especially the Russians and their Ukrainian accomplices. My best friend, Dr. Vladimir Faustus, gave me a miserable 3 billion dollars on the sole condition that he be the shadow president of the United States, a position he coveted every since that devil, Hillary Clinton, insulted him. Thus he saved me from complete bankruptcy, and I saved him from the drudgery of the steppes and Siberia – not to mention the burden of having to explain the sources his immense wealth and of having to manage same.
St. Peter: That’s all fine and good, but what did ye do to serve the Lord?
Donlemagne: I have followed the path of those great patriots and ministers of the faith, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, observing their dictates at every turn.
St. Peter: Pray, what might such dictates be?
Donlemagne: Doeth unto others as far as all the lies in the world will permit. Love thyself as none other. The more ye berate the greater thy fate. Do not do unto others that ye do unto thyself, and do not do unto thyself that ye do unto others.
St. Peter: I think you mean: “No servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” “ Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.”
Donlemagne: Methinks thou art a fake lord.
by Rolf Henel